Nefi's Courage

I'm reading in first Nephi again. Yesterday I read about Sarah and realized I've been like her. I complain against my husband when he wants to read scriptures or say prayers. Sometimes I'm too tired, it's too late, we just prayed do we really need to pray again... I'm glad he hasn't given up on me and he continues to remind us to say family prayers and read scriptures together. Still, we need to do better. We need to be consistent, diligent, everyday, everyday, everyday. I also realized today I'm like Laman and Lemuel. As I read in 1 Nephi 7 I too have forgotten what great things the Lord hath done for us, for me. Do I not remember that I have everything I have ever wanted. Everything, except maybe attaining the Celestial Kingdom. My whole life I've looked forward to being with my family, having my own family, getting married, living forever with my eternal companion, having children of my own, getting to be a mom. I'm married to John! I am Katelyn's mom! I'm a mom! She's been around for 10 months and I still can't believe I'm a mom! I think it's because I don't know what the heck I'm doing. You see? That's where it all breaks down. I have everything I want, but I've forgotten that the Lord is able to do all things according to his will, for the children of men, if it so be that they exercise faith in him. I have to exercise faith. Yes, I need to do those little things better. I need to have faith in motherhood. It's my biggest mission. Sister Shakespear, my mission president's wife, told me that being a mom is even harder than being a missionary. I didn't doubt her, I just didn't know what about it would be hard. I'm pretty sure I still don't know since motherhood changes from day to day, child to child, year to year. But I loved being a missionary. The memories I have of it being hard are minuscule in comparison to the take-my-breath-away memories I have of the joy and love and spirit I felt. I know my mom mission will be the same. It already is. That's how I felt when I read how I need to remember. When I remember, I know. But I also know this mission is much bigger, much longer, and my companion is gone most of the day. I hear that a lot of missionaries had a hard time never being out of sight of their companions. Most of my companions and I peed with the door open. We loved being together. I miss that. I like being independent too. But as a mom, I'm not really independent either. Sometimes I have to pee with Katelyn on my lap (what else can you do when you're in the airport and you, the luggage and the little one all have to be in the stall together? I ask you.) On my mission I knew if I could only be exactly obedient, I would be a successful missionary. I left the MTC knowing that even if I never learned the language, even if I never had a baptism, if I just tried my best to be exactly obedient, I would be worthy of the Spirit and the Lord would make me the instrument He wanted me to be and I would be happy. I know it's the same with this mission now. I've just gotten caught up in the things that won't ensure my success. I can still be exactly obedient. I need to not try to compare myself to what I think other mothers must be like. I'll let the Lord help me become the mother He needs me to be. I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandment unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them. And I too will be led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do. I felt the Spirit today. I checked out some movies from the library the other day and I felt prompted today not to watch one of them. I'm grateful that the Lord is in the details of my life. He is. He does guide me. He has prepared a way for me. He has given me wonderful parents, siblings, friends and teachers, sacred experiences that have confirmed my faith and helped me know my Savior, living prophets that speak of hope in these latter-days, scriptures that remind me what I believe and strengthen my testimony, and even the Comforter, the Holy Ghost. There is repentance and hope in Jesus Christ. The way is prepared. Shall we not be diligent?