Anti-slump Serum

I have started back into a slump and I don’t want to go down this road again. Today I feel full of optimism at my ability to effect positive change in my life to counter the negative things that I am unable to change. I can’t fix our debt. I can’t get John a job. I can’t move out. It’s become an awful obsession with me at times. I feel like in the back of my mind I’m always creating new ways to work from home or thinking about what hours I could work or would it ever be enough to make a difference or could it possibly be worth the amount of energy and time away from my family it would require. The feelings these thoughts tend to create are not positive. Furthermore, for the most part, nothing I come up with seems to equal a realistic solution, at least not at present. So I need to set aside that worry basket and focus on the things I do have control over in my life and work at becoming who Heavenly Father wants me to be. I can prepare for the future as best I can. Then I have to decide to live in today as best I can. So that I’m on the path I should be on, becoming the person I want to be, today.

What to do with my days:

1.       Achieve spiritual goals

a.       Read Book of Mormon daily (English and Spanish) finish by Aug 1^st

b.      Write in Journal

c.       Memorize Scriptures

d.      Read Ensign

2.       Exercise

3.       Plan the Day

a.       Katie Activities

b.      Ben Activities

c.       John Activities

d.      My Activities

e.      Chores

f.        Lunch/Dinner

g.       Work for mom

h.      Mom Activities

4.       Write/Research

a.       Community School

b.      Mom and Marriage

c.       Songs

d.      Children’s Lit

e.      Young Adult Lit

                                                               i.      Seangull

1.        Marion G. Romney, “The Celestial Nature of Self-Reliance,” Ensign, Mar 2009, 61–65

2.        

                                                             ii.       

f.        Adoption/Foster Care

5.       Plan/Create/Projects

a.       Katelyn’s Comforter

b.      Paint Color/Home Decor Schemes

c.       Money Saving Meal Planning and Recipe Collections

d.      Finish Quiet Book

e.

Today the Bishop talked about the need to stop judging our progress by our lists and let our conversion be our motivation and our form of measurement. I'm still making lists, which is good, it's a plan, but I also know I need to focus on the big picture- why I'm trying to do these things, why it's important, how am I trying to live God's plan for me and are these things helping me get there. This week I want to try to go to bed early and get up early and use the hours before my children are up to accomplish some of the "best" things so that they don't get left out of my days. I want to go to bed at 8:00 and get up at 4:00am. Ambitious, but I think I could adapt and get used to it. I could read my scriptures, exercise, write...The idea of such freedom to accomplish these things makes my heart leap with joy. We'll give it a try!

Christ-centered life

Today Katelyn walked for the first time. She's been "walking" taking steps when she doesn't think about it or when I try and trick her into letting go for minute, but until today she tried to hold on to something before she'd move or else she'd sit down and crawl, but today she went for it. I was so happy and excited and so was she. It's amazing. Amazing how she grows. It's so awesome to be her mom. I am the luckiest. I suppose this is what makes being a parent the best part of mortality. Today it was walking. A small thing really, but something she will be doing now for the rest of her life and therefore an amazing landmark. She is free! And next it will be talking. And so now my weight of responsibility increases as I think of how I must guide her feet on paths that lead to righteousness and teach her words of hope and love and faith. I must teach those little legs that long to run to take time to kneel and I have to set the example so that her tongue which now makes joyful chatters non-stop will know to say heartfelt prayers to her Heavenly Father so that she will be empowered to feel His love and receive His guidance and know that she is never alone. I have been her caregiver, giving her food, and shelter, warmth and love, but now I must take care. Take care to kneel often to commune with God. Take care to speak words of faith of love of hope, of Christ. Take care to lead my feet to Holy Places. Take care to say those things which the Spirit would prompt me to say. Take care to study the scriptures and obey the commandments so that I can stand on higher ground and lift my family and others. Take care to humbly lead and humbly learn. Having Katelyn has taught me so much. The person I am verses the person I was before she came into my life are very different in so many ways. My understanding of who I am, my role in Heavenly Father's Plan, my destiny in who I must become are clearer now. Understanding is a gift. Motherhood helps me develop that gift. I have almost been a mother for a year. How much I have learned in a year. I have also labored with love. Learning is not enough and is incomplete if it doesn't change who I am. And the laboring has helped me to change, but there is still much more I must do. I have seen a new level of selflessness. I have not achieved it yet, but I see now how much more of myself I can lose before I will really find myself. I have recently compared it to my mission. As a missionary every hour was accounted for. As a mother it must be the same. It must be. I cannot sigh longingly for "time to myself". As a missionary I never dreamed of it. As a mother I cannot either. Time to myself is scripture study, journal writing, glorious prayers at the end of a day in which my time and my most sincere efforts were laid upon the alters of the Lord. Somehow I forgot that my life is not my own. How wonderful that it is not. That is has been bought with a price. A Price for which I am eternally indebted and forever thankful. Happiness is in obedience. Exact obedience brings great peace and joy. I have known that and felt that so strongly in my life. I know it is true. I will try harder. I will repent and recommit myself to being a worthy steward by making myself accountable before the Lord and by giving an account of my day in prayer. The Lord will surely be in the details of my life if I do all I can to plan my life with Him at the center.

Mothers are Heavenly

I found myself feeling terrible just now and not knowing why. I had just been reading some of the entries of some of my friends' blogs. At first I thought it was guilt for having let Katelyn cry herself to sleep and maybe that did have something to do with it, but ultimately it occurred to me that I was comparing myself to them and feeling like a failure. Jamie is part of a performing group, plants gardens, makes new crafty things all the time; Andrea paints shelves and her one year old goes to sleep without fussing and takes two naps a day and she exercises; laudy law, there's a million other people I know who are apparently much better at being moms and wives and friends than I am. This feeling is new to me. I never was one for comparing myself to other people. I remember getting that advice when I was leaving on my mission, that I shouldn't try and base my progress or how I'm doing on other missionaries and I thought that was sound advice, but I never really had a problem with it. The beautiful thing about missionary service is that you have a companion who is working with you 24/7 and so you work together on everything. Sure you both bring different talents to the table, but ultimately your a team and it's wonderful. As a mom, I'm not really part of a mom team. I guess I can try to imagine that I am part of the big world wide mom team, but in the day to day things I'm very alone at working toward whatever goals I set or don't set for that matter. I have never felt so lost or alone. Or at least not in a very long time. I can tell it's getting easier for me. Some parts of motherhood. I've accepted things that were hard to accept at first. I loved what was said by the general RS president at conference. She said stop listening to the worldly voices telling you that you need more time to yourself away from your responsibilities at home. I understand that now. I'm reading Gone with the Wind and I accept Ellen O'Hara's resolve to be a great lady, to "carry her burden and still retain her charm." To Scarlett, "Ellen represented the utter security that only Heaven or a mother can give. She knew that her mother was the embodiment of justice, truth, loving tenderness and profound wisdom--a great lady." I want to be that great lady, but I cannot agree with the following; "Ellen's life was not easy, nor was it happy, but she did not expect life to be easy, and, if it was not happy, that was woman's lot. It was a man's world, and she accepted it as such." It certainly isn't a man's world. Still I have felt feelings that are shamefully along those lines. Not so absolute, just feelings of unfairness that John can play computer games for a few hours a day if he likes and he can sit and read for two hours everyday on the train to and from work and whenever he gets the notion he can exercise in the morning. Such freedom! But then i forget what burdens he bears and that is unfair and me. He has his responsibilities too and again my vice lies in comparison. I cannot compare myself to others. My mission is unique. I am so grateful for the gospel plan that assures us that women and men sealed together are entitled to every eternal happiness. I know that having a family is the greatest happiness we can know. It is also our heaviest responsibility. I understand that I am learning to lose myself in a whole new way than I ever have been required to do before. I also am coming to know that without a mom companion, I still have a companion in the Holy Ghost and the Savior and my Heavenly Father. And John is very much a part of my life even if our days are spent in very separate tasks. I just want to get working on discovering, creating, fulfilling my mission. Maybe I won't be like many other mothers that I know. Maybe what comes easily to them will never be easy to me. Maybe it will just take time. Maybe this phase of motherhood for me will be very different from phases to come. I only want to make it the best that I can. I want to know that I'm doing my best. I want to know that Heavenly Father is pleased with what I am doing. I want to be sure I am doing His will. I was able to go to the temple on Saturday while John took Katelyn to the Priesthood Leadership session. As I sat in the celestial room I again was reminded of God telling me on my mission that He gave me a 10 and felt certain He was extending that same feeling of comfort and love and assurance again. What does it matter if I do not measure up to others' standards if the Lord is pleased with my efforts. I know I could do better, but that's what life is all about, working on it. I also met a single sister from our stake in my temple session and she reminded me how I need to be happy. Seeing her made me see myself in a new light. I looked at her and thought, "I used to be like that" and then was left wondering why I'm not anymore. Surely I am still happy. I have just become somewhat of a hermit and I have let me self be weighed down by my responsibilities and loneliness. I don't have to do that. I can choose to be happy. I can still make time for doing things I love that let me express myself. Expressing myself is one of my talents and it makes me happy. Being alone may keep me from expressing myself to other people, but I can still write and sing and exercise and visit teach and do my primary calling and talk to John. Those are all things that I can do that will bring me joy. I can also work on my relationship with John. He is so wonderful. We are so good for each other. I can bring joy and happiness in his life and we can laugh and pray and learn together.

Nefi's Courage

I'm reading in first Nephi again. Yesterday I read about Sarah and realized I've been like her. I complain against my husband when he wants to read scriptures or say prayers. Sometimes I'm too tired, it's too late, we just prayed do we really need to pray again... I'm glad he hasn't given up on me and he continues to remind us to say family prayers and read scriptures together. Still, we need to do better. We need to be consistent, diligent, everyday, everyday, everyday. I also realized today I'm like Laman and Lemuel. As I read in 1 Nephi 7 I too have forgotten what great things the Lord hath done for us, for me. Do I not remember that I have everything I have ever wanted. Everything, except maybe attaining the Celestial Kingdom. My whole life I've looked forward to being with my family, having my own family, getting married, living forever with my eternal companion, having children of my own, getting to be a mom. I'm married to John! I am Katelyn's mom! I'm a mom! She's been around for 10 months and I still can't believe I'm a mom! I think it's because I don't know what the heck I'm doing. You see? That's where it all breaks down. I have everything I want, but I've forgotten that the Lord is able to do all things according to his will, for the children of men, if it so be that they exercise faith in him. I have to exercise faith. Yes, I need to do those little things better. I need to have faith in motherhood. It's my biggest mission. Sister Shakespear, my mission president's wife, told me that being a mom is even harder than being a missionary. I didn't doubt her, I just didn't know what about it would be hard. I'm pretty sure I still don't know since motherhood changes from day to day, child to child, year to year. But I loved being a missionary. The memories I have of it being hard are minuscule in comparison to the take-my-breath-away memories I have of the joy and love and spirit I felt. I know my mom mission will be the same. It already is. That's how I felt when I read how I need to remember. When I remember, I know. But I also know this mission is much bigger, much longer, and my companion is gone most of the day. I hear that a lot of missionaries had a hard time never being out of sight of their companions. Most of my companions and I peed with the door open. We loved being together. I miss that. I like being independent too. But as a mom, I'm not really independent either. Sometimes I have to pee with Katelyn on my lap (what else can you do when you're in the airport and you, the luggage and the little one all have to be in the stall together? I ask you.) On my mission I knew if I could only be exactly obedient, I would be a successful missionary. I left the MTC knowing that even if I never learned the language, even if I never had a baptism, if I just tried my best to be exactly obedient, I would be worthy of the Spirit and the Lord would make me the instrument He wanted me to be and I would be happy. I know it's the same with this mission now. I've just gotten caught up in the things that won't ensure my success. I can still be exactly obedient. I need to not try to compare myself to what I think other mothers must be like. I'll let the Lord help me become the mother He needs me to be. I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandment unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them. And I too will be led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do. I felt the Spirit today. I checked out some movies from the library the other day and I felt prompted today not to watch one of them. I'm grateful that the Lord is in the details of my life. He is. He does guide me. He has prepared a way for me. He has given me wonderful parents, siblings, friends and teachers, sacred experiences that have confirmed my faith and helped me know my Savior, living prophets that speak of hope in these latter-days, scriptures that remind me what I believe and strengthen my testimony, and even the Comforter, the Holy Ghost. There is repentance and hope in Jesus Christ. The way is prepared. Shall we not be diligent?

Saturday is a special day...

It's 8:30 pm. Katelyn finally went to sleep. She had been doing so good this week, going down at 6:00 and sleeping through the night. But Thursday and Friday I had to take her with me to the church to get ready for and then carry out the primary talent show and so she went to bed late both nights and woke up during the night. Tonight I tried to put her down earlier, but it was a losing battle and finally I let her cry for about five minutes and she was out. Unfortunately tomorrow is Sunday which means no naps, but what can you do?

John still isn't home yet. He went to school late in the morning and has a lot of work for Dom and homework to catch up on. Poor guy hasn't had much of a spring break, but next week he goes to Texas for his interview and he should have some down time even though it will put him further behind since he'll be missing classes.

I've realized (again) this week that a dirty house is a depressing house. I want to vow that once I get the dishes in the kitchen all clean, I'm going to keep it that way. No matter what! I at least won't let it go more than 2 days without cleaning it up. Seriously, it's embarrassing when I think about it. No one should live this way. It's just that when it gets this bad I start to feel overwhelmed and can't make myself start. As soon as I'm done here I'm going to go do it. Few, I already feel better.

Scripture study. I have to do better about that too. I have no set schedule. As soon as I try and start to have a schedule I have to go to church Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. I was even supposed to be at a Relief Society thing today but I decided not too. Probably a bad choice, especially since I decided not to go so that Katelyn could go to bed on time and that didn't even happen. I need to put the Lord first. I need to show Him and myself that I am putting Him first. John said he'll take Katelyn for a few minutes in the morning so I can read my scriptures. For today, as soon as I'm done with the dishes, I'll read. And Sundays, I think I'll just read before bed. The mornings are too crazy since we have to be at church at 8:00. We usually don't get home to 2:00 or later and then I have to think about food, getting Katelyn to bed and then family scriptures.

I also need to think about what it is I want to be studying. I don't think I can just read through the Book of Mormon again. I need a plan. Something to look for or do...I also want to start the New Testament. Maybe I just need to be serious about keeping a scripture journal again. That was a huge help as a missionary. I need a new binder or new paper for my old one.

Today I made empanadas and rice krispy treats. Yummy.

I'd better go make sure Katelyn has some covers and then get going on those dishes. Maybe I can be done before John gets home. Then we'll have to go downstairs and hang up the Laundry. I'm still in my pajamas. If I were a good wife, I'd try and look nicer for my husband. Seriously

We may get a job after all.

A tender mercy. On Friday John found out the project he had worked on most of the night for his lawyer employer was all wrong. There was some serious miscommunication and he ended up researching all the wrong things. It was a bit of a let down, but later in the afternoon he got a call from a Dallas firm asking for an interview on March 19. It was a firm he applied to over the summer. It is no sure thing, but it was such a blessing of hope. This week is Spring Break so now John can confidently call other firms in Dallas and say he'll be in town for an interview that weekend and would they be interested. It was a joyful faith builder.

I want this Spring Break to be something special and relaxing for John, but I don't have a lot of ideas of what to do. He'll still need to spend quite a bit of time at school doing research for his job and calling firms. I have a lot going on as well with the Noche de estrellas de la primaria on Friday and la actividad de la Sociedad de Socorro on Saturday.

It hit me today that Katelyn turning 10 months this week is kind of a big deal. It means she's really close to being a year. I've got to start thinking about weaning her. I guess it's kind of happening already, but the idea that she'll be done breast feeding in a few months is kind of amazing to me. What will that be like?! She's already a good eater. Today she happily devoured meat, potatoes and carrots from the stew we had for dinner. She also helped me eat some of the fruit out of the leftover cobbler I had for dessert.

New beginnings...in March.

"The key to knowing how to live is knowing what it is you truly love" Sarah Ban Breathnach

"To know what you prefer instead of humbly saying Amen to what the world tells you you ought to prefer, is to keep your soul alive." Robert Louis Stevenson

"American gospel singer Mahalia Jackson once said that 'It is easy to be independent when you've got money. But to be independent when you haven't got a thing--that's the Lord's test.' The simpler we make our lives, the more abundant they become. There is no scarcity except in our souls." SBB

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow." Melody Beattie

"There is an immediate emotional and psychological payoff to getting our houses in order. We might not be able to control what's happening externally in our lives burt we can learn to look to our own inner resources for a sense of comfort that nurtures and sustains...There is a Divine Order--a Sublime Order--inherent in the Universe. We can tap into this powerful source of creative energy when we are willing to gradually cultivate a sense of order as to how we conduct our daily affairs." SBB

I think it was for my birthday that Valerie gave me this book, Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy by Sarah Ban Breathnach. It has an entry for everyday of the year, and although it looked like it had a lot of good things in it, when I first received it it seemed like just another thing I would have to try and fit into my day, when I was already having enough trouble getting done the things that I really needed to do. So today, March 4, I was debating whether or not I should go straight to bed as it is a quarter to eleven and the baby's asleep and John's still at the library and heaven knows I could use more sleep, but despite the logic in that train of thought, the yearning to write won out and I found myself plugging in my laptop. Nearby was this book and I opened it and was slapped awake by it's glorious invitations to live abundantly. My heart melted a little as I read some of the markings made by my mother in law. I had found a treasure and she was sharing it with me.

I suppose the book itself isn't anything too fantastic, it isn't scripture, but its short literary devotionals and spiritual insights are like a breath of fresh air my soul has been aching for for a long time. Sweet water splashing my parched creative being.

So now it is my goal and my bane to write, to express myself, to lose myself and find myself, to improve and change. dc's daily dialogue.

This is a momentous day in my life. It is because I choose for it to be. I am tired of the old me and ready to let who I truly am, the me that has been squashed into the too tight fittings of an imitation me for too long, to stretch her wings and fly. I want to radiate heat and warmth and light. I want to shine.

What is it that has stimulated this desire in me? I know it's been festering for some time, oozing out here and there trying to break free and transform. I laid awake at nights while we were in Texas and felt desperate to begin to be the better version of myself. To love better, to be more to someone, to everyone, to be happier and healthier and whole. Maybe it's the longing for spring.

It snowed today.

It didn't stick.

I'm sure I'll see more snow yet, but it won't stick. I won't let it. I am spring. And it's going to be a hot summer.

I have so much to look forward to. There is so much to be doing. And so many reasons to enjoy myself and spread sunshine. Katelyn is beautiful. How can I possibly have a bad day when I spend my time with such a joyful, intelligent, radiant little person? And I'm married. Not just married, I'm happily and hopefully and helpfully married. I waited a long time to find mister right and now I get to put my arms around him every day. Every day! Each day starts with the sounds of my daughter from her crib and ends with kisses goodnight from my husband who loves me. Even if those were the only good things in the day, they should be more than enough to keep me humming. I want to be such a good mom. I want to have confidence and order and structure like Sarah. I want to have the patience of my mother. I want to teach like mom Tyler. I want to be smart and keep learning new things that I can share with those around me like my dad. I want to love being a parent like dad Tyler. I want to keep my lamp full and my faith bright.

I don't want to worry about finances, but I want to do my part to live abundantly but smart. I want to hone my skills of money management. I want to make do or do without. I want to enjoy it.

I want to make my husband happy. I want our home to be his resort. I want him to want to run into my arms when he walks through the front door. I want us to have dreams that we work together to make come true. I want to get butterflies when I think about him in the middle of the day. I want him to want to call me when he has a minute so we can have a quick carefree chat before it's back to work. I want romance and family meals and family prayers and knowing smiles. It's all there, I just have to make room for it all. I can't let frustration win me over. Gratitude and joy.

Exercise will happen. Healthy eating. Lots of calcium...

Play the piano. Speak Spanish. Memorize scriptures. Read. Write. Don't sit down. Be doing.