Mothers are Heavenly

I found myself feeling terrible just now and not knowing why. I had just been reading some of the entries of some of my friends' blogs. At first I thought it was guilt for having let Katelyn cry herself to sleep and maybe that did have something to do with it, but ultimately it occurred to me that I was comparing myself to them and feeling like a failure. Jamie is part of a performing group, plants gardens, makes new crafty things all the time; Andrea paints shelves and her one year old goes to sleep without fussing and takes two naps a day and she exercises; laudy law, there's a million other people I know who are apparently much better at being moms and wives and friends than I am. This feeling is new to me. I never was one for comparing myself to other people. I remember getting that advice when I was leaving on my mission, that I shouldn't try and base my progress or how I'm doing on other missionaries and I thought that was sound advice, but I never really had a problem with it. The beautiful thing about missionary service is that you have a companion who is working with you 24/7 and so you work together on everything. Sure you both bring different talents to the table, but ultimately your a team and it's wonderful. As a mom, I'm not really part of a mom team. I guess I can try to imagine that I am part of the big world wide mom team, but in the day to day things I'm very alone at working toward whatever goals I set or don't set for that matter. I have never felt so lost or alone. Or at least not in a very long time. I can tell it's getting easier for me. Some parts of motherhood. I've accepted things that were hard to accept at first. I loved what was said by the general RS president at conference. She said stop listening to the worldly voices telling you that you need more time to yourself away from your responsibilities at home. I understand that now. I'm reading Gone with the Wind and I accept Ellen O'Hara's resolve to be a great lady, to "carry her burden and still retain her charm." To Scarlett, "Ellen represented the utter security that only Heaven or a mother can give. She knew that her mother was the embodiment of justice, truth, loving tenderness and profound wisdom--a great lady." I want to be that great lady, but I cannot agree with the following; "Ellen's life was not easy, nor was it happy, but she did not expect life to be easy, and, if it was not happy, that was woman's lot. It was a man's world, and she accepted it as such." It certainly isn't a man's world. Still I have felt feelings that are shamefully along those lines. Not so absolute, just feelings of unfairness that John can play computer games for a few hours a day if he likes and he can sit and read for two hours everyday on the train to and from work and whenever he gets the notion he can exercise in the morning. Such freedom! But then i forget what burdens he bears and that is unfair and me. He has his responsibilities too and again my vice lies in comparison. I cannot compare myself to others. My mission is unique. I am so grateful for the gospel plan that assures us that women and men sealed together are entitled to every eternal happiness. I know that having a family is the greatest happiness we can know. It is also our heaviest responsibility. I understand that I am learning to lose myself in a whole new way than I ever have been required to do before. I also am coming to know that without a mom companion, I still have a companion in the Holy Ghost and the Savior and my Heavenly Father. And John is very much a part of my life even if our days are spent in very separate tasks. I just want to get working on discovering, creating, fulfilling my mission. Maybe I won't be like many other mothers that I know. Maybe what comes easily to them will never be easy to me. Maybe it will just take time. Maybe this phase of motherhood for me will be very different from phases to come. I only want to make it the best that I can. I want to know that I'm doing my best. I want to know that Heavenly Father is pleased with what I am doing. I want to be sure I am doing His will. I was able to go to the temple on Saturday while John took Katelyn to the Priesthood Leadership session. As I sat in the celestial room I again was reminded of God telling me on my mission that He gave me a 10 and felt certain He was extending that same feeling of comfort and love and assurance again. What does it matter if I do not measure up to others' standards if the Lord is pleased with my efforts. I know I could do better, but that's what life is all about, working on it. I also met a single sister from our stake in my temple session and she reminded me how I need to be happy. Seeing her made me see myself in a new light. I looked at her and thought, "I used to be like that" and then was left wondering why I'm not anymore. Surely I am still happy. I have just become somewhat of a hermit and I have let me self be weighed down by my responsibilities and loneliness. I don't have to do that. I can choose to be happy. I can still make time for doing things I love that let me express myself. Expressing myself is one of my talents and it makes me happy. Being alone may keep me from expressing myself to other people, but I can still write and sing and exercise and visit teach and do my primary calling and talk to John. Those are all things that I can do that will bring me joy. I can also work on my relationship with John. He is so wonderful. We are so good for each other. I can bring joy and happiness in his life and we can laugh and pray and learn together.